Entry Wounds. Episode 07. ver 2 : "The In's and Out's"

Version 2, the first attempt at this one seemed to contract a bug in transit (Damn bird-flu), making it hard to read, for all those put off reading because of that, here's an ammended version.

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03/01/2004 9.00pm Ho Chi Minh City
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On New Years Eve I was invited to a Brazillian Restaurant by a New Guinean. I drank French wine and Singaporean Beer, dressed as Robin Hood, sitting between an English-Malaysian dressed as Kruella de'Villle and a German dressed as the
Queen of Hearts. Where am I again?
Maybe the heat is getting to me..........
..Maybe the heat is getting to me........
Oh I'm repeating myself, it must be the heat.
Did I mention the heat!

I digress.

The New Years bash cost me $45US. Now in a country where you can eat a big 3 course meal for $5US with beer and wine, do the maths and try to think about what $45US gets you. Lets see, bottomless beer, wine and cocktails. 10 different salads and strange and tasty audeurves, then one endless course.

First, a mountain of shrimp wrapped in bacon, then crab wrapped in bacon, then bacon wrapped in bacon, then a baby pig stuffed with lobster. Circling the room were 6 waiters each with a long skewers laden with exquisitely cooked meats, that were carved right onto your plate. Rare and tender beef cooked in an
earth-oven, succulent lamb cooked in Portugese spices, chicken marinated in something like Nando's Peri-Peri sauce. Then after that's eaten, they return with more skewers laden with other strange morsels. HEY YOU BASTARDS! I'm trying not to eat things that once had a pulse! OK, well obviously that's not an option
this evening, so time to find my inner carnivore............it took about 8 seconds.

Before too long I was smashed off my head, drinking Sangria and smokin Cambodian bud, someone started counting down, and everyone joined in, then Hoorah! Happy New Years, bring on the Champas! The rest of the night is a blur and I ended up at a bar called 'Heart of Darkness' (classic name!) listening to a ladyboy crying into his MaiTai telling me how his brother died the night before.........Why does this shit happen to me? Anyhow upon reviewing the video of the evening we discovered we were so wasted we celebrated New Years twice within a 15 minute period. No-one remembers the second one, which is a good sign I think.

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04/01/2004 4.00pm HCMC
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Finally all this free time and running amok has caught up with my bank balance and I'm broke. Time to get a job I suppose. I arrived at my two main hopes, and introductions were made. Then class observations were organised. This entails me sitting in the corner of a class room watching someone else teach. It's
bearable, however four days later and five observations later I was far from enthrawled and decided to push the employment issue with the class director. First of all I'd have to do a demonstration class under evaluation from the director. Sure, fine, whatever just get me some mula!
So my first class, teenagers around the 14-15 year old range. The topic; describing movement. Initially it's all rosy, some introductions and questions about me, who, what where etc. Then we start the lesson.
"I go out of the house"
"I came into the house"
"I walk around the house"
"I go down the street"
"I go up to the country"
After 45 minutes all is well and the student's comprehension is high and my apprehension low. The director looks pleased. The second half of the lesson is dedicated to 'actions commonly confused with directions'.
i.e. 'I go out with friends', 'I am going on a date', 'My parents are coming over for dinner'.
The secret to teaching I've been assured, is to make the lesson material relevant to the students. So I point to a guy in the last row and say 'What would you be doing if you asked a girl out on a date? "He replies with complete innocence: " I.......I.........I would be .................coming into her?"

The blood drains from my face and my jaw drops in disbelief, then my mind is instantly filled by hysteria. I attempt to suppress a fit of laughter. With my face red, tears welling in my eyes, I just bite my lip and shake my head. I can't tell if the director's mind is as filthy as mine, but in either case he
sits pokerfaced against the wall, keenly surveying my actions. All I want to do is hi-five the kid for his unwitting genius, how can such comedy go unrewarded. But it seems I'm the only one appreciating the punchline. So through an ear-to-ear grin I continue and correct him "No".You'd be going out with her." In
my mind this little voice says, "but if you play your cards right, you may get to do that afterwards buddy, bwa ha ha ha haarghh!" I barely hold it together forthe rest of the lesson.
Anyway beyond some confused looks from the students and a concerned look from the director I get the job. But not until after Tet, (lunar new year) holidays. Which means no work till February and no pay cheque till March. Obviously some
employment will need to eventuate sooner.

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05/01/2004 6.00pm International Primary School
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Things snowball.
Today I applied for a job at a Primary school. After a five minute interview, and without even asking for my credentials she says; "can you start this afternoon?" Umm.. ah.. ok. Now this is a cosy job, four half-hour classes back to back at 1 in the afternoon, all I do is read the absolute basic English on
the pages and the students repeat after me, then try it amongst themselves. The assistant teacher takes care of translation, lesson plans, and discipline. He does all the hard work, and looks like an asshole to the kids, while I'm the clown at the front of the class who plays games with them, Instant hero. I
didn't think I'd like teaching kids, but it's a blast. I love kids.

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08/01/2004 7.00pm HCMC
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Things boomerang.
I HATE KIDS! Damn those snivellinng little snotty nosed offspring. Vile creatures ALL of them! I'm infected with a head cold thanks to them. They're little disease incubators. Oh sure, they may look cute, but that innocent little facade belies their true form. Petri-dishes with feet. Sneezing, coughing, mucus
machines. To hell with them. To hell with them all.
Oh it's true when they say 'the children are the future', it just aint the Oprah and Bono friendly version you'd imagined, it's far darker than that my friends. The end is nigh, and it's the kids who are to blame, little mobile pathogen production lines, every last one of them.
Something must be done.
Do your part, Infanticide is the right side.