Entry Wounds. Episode 06: Hail To The Chimp!

“Gee this is late”
“Of course it’s F@%K’n late, I’ve had a week long hangover haven’t I. What the fuck’s your excuse!”

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31/12/2003 New Years Eve, 2004 Some Brazilian Restaurant
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Well, there goes 2003, just like a Metamucil enriched diet. You always look back on the year that passed, and invariably say “Wow, that flew!” This is most likely due to 4 causes.
A. As Einstein postulated time is relative, thus the term ‘time flies when your having fun’ rings true. This should be taken as a positive.
B. You have indulged in so many drugs, both the illegal ones, and the other really dangerous kind (e.g. alcohol. FYI: Prescription medicine and over the counter drugs kill more people every year than there mind expanding brethren).
In any case, you bashed your grey matter so regularly you can’t distinguish between when you were ‘top of the town’, or a vacant ball of greyed flesh, cowering in a fetal position in the darkest corner of the house, anxiously contemplating where all those cockroaches crawling under skin were going to. (For those still worrying, stop wondering, they don’t lay eggs in your
brain……………they do it in your pancreas.)
C. The third reason is that you have a developed Alzheimer’s. Guess all those aluminium wrapped tuna cans really were brain food, just like ma’n’pa said. Although not nearly as positive for your mental well being as you were led to believe. On the upside however, think of it like this: “Today is the first day of the rest of your life!”
D. The fourth reason is obvious of course… you are in fact a Goldfish, and while that’s good and all, never forget you’re really just a glorified Carp.

I however am somewhat dismayed, I have fallen into all those categories at one time or another throughout the year (C&D a consequence of B), unyet it didn’t seem to fly-by. It wasn’t arduous of course, quite the opposite in fact, kind of
like a leisurely stroll through a garden of giggles, ganja and beer. So the highlights in no particular order are:

· The unknown number of free Cascade Winter Warmers thanks to the RueBar: Dan,
Patty Theo, B: Thumbs-up
· Summer beers by Dan’s pool, wicked!
· Wes’s going away party.. oh lord! What a bash! Superb. Best ever!
· St.Kilda Fest.
· Finally getting to a Sunnyside..
· Riding Johnny G’s disturbingly powerful motorbike at the Michelton Winery.
· Warm spring nights outside, stoned and drunk while Benny played guitar.
· Waking up every Saturday morning to Brendy and Timmy and other people who didn’t live in our house smokin’ fat ones. Ahhh! Breakfast of champions.
. Living at the address Livingstoned St.
· Mim teaching me to make Quiche.
· The projector in the bungalow. Big screen Xbox stoned, and big screen football drunk and toasted.
· Chemical Johnny burning his Collingwood Guernsey during the Grand Final at ¾ time.
· Joining Lawn bowls and the subsequent comfort of knowing that no matter how scattered you are from the club you just came from, your looks, and your short-term memory are still better than your opponents.
· Kalya, Benny, Sammy, Clare & Me graduating from our degree’s knowing we were outta our tree more days of the week than anyone else in class.
· Being a Goldfish.
· Getting spastic on Botany field trips with Botany heads.
· Having Jules give me a saucy lap dance, while singing Cher’s ‘If I could turn back time’ on the balcony of the Lounge. (Don’t think I’d forget that!) Maximum Kudos to those who follow through on their bets.
· Watching Danny scattered as fuck attempt to introduce the girl he just brought home, to all 15 people at Rodda’s house, only to forget her name. “Hey everybody, this is ……………………………..oh shit!”
Bwaaaaa ha ha ha ha haaaaaarrrghhh!!!! (I don't know if it was 2002, or 2003 but it sticks in my mind like it was yesterday..........................what the hell did I do yesterday?)
· Tarn’s speed addled head, only superceded by his younger brother’s head. Then knowing he took a 500km detour to Nimbin on his way north to deal with the comedown.
· After running out of bickies, watching Seanny snort: Berocca, Vanilla Sugar,Canadian Club, Tequila, and Chilli Powder.
· Having Seanny ask me if I thought his pink floral shirt looked good: “Yeah,
Sure mate!”
· Finding out Seanny got eagerly propositioned for a blowjob in a gay club, wearing that pink shirt. “Come on man, best you’ve ever had, your girlfriend’ll never know!
· Knowing Owen, Timmy and Seanny shafted bickies.
· Oh and of course………….. EARTH fuckin CORE! Yaaahhhhhhh! I still can’t get Infected Mushroom outta my head, ….. nor the LSD. No seriously, I can’t.

So here’s to 2004, year of the monkey, Hail To Chimp!
I hope you all take this time to reflect upon the bad little monkeys you’ve been and resolve to be twice as naughty in the coming months. And get to it, you only have 12 months to go back on all those resolutions you made. Remember ‘Will Power’ is a porn name, not a path to self improvement.

Yours rudely,
The Scattered Simian.